So, here it is: a blog and the first post! Now what?

I have always had the urge to express myself and share my thoughts. As a child (and still today), I was one of those kids that was a walking encyclopaedia. I loved talking about everything to everyone who did or did not want to hear it. I remember always having existential questions on my mind: the origin of the universe, the meaning of life, what ancient civilizations were up to, you name it. However, at the same time, I was often told off or ridiculed for being so talkative and knowledgeable. Unfortunately, this in part led to a lifelong struggle with deep and intense shame.

This sense of shame taps in to why I made this anonymous (for now) blog. It is not that I am ashamed of being like this and having these ideas. There is nothing that I think is inherently negative about these thoughts, ideas, and feelings. I think for me the issue is that it is me having these ideas. So, by disconnecting my thoughts from my being, there is just that, the ideas. I might eventually open up more about my identity, but for now not yet.

So, why a blog? That is something that ties into the topic of shame I just brought up. These early experiences of shame, together with some other events, led to a deep-rooted insecurity. Throughout my life, I have experimented with different forms of art as an outlet and settled with music. I pursued a degree in music composition and my main area of work is music. However, due to these mental health issues, I was unable to be open and vulnerable with my teachers, and address my boundaries and needs, which led to a traumatic experience studying music.

The trauma experienced during my studies is so severe, that I currently am simply unable to write music. Ever since graduating, I have been dealing with depression and anxiety, pursuing a second, non-music degree, to buy myself time and to have the opportunity to figure these feelings out. Having lost my main outlet – music – I had to find a different outlet. I have done some journaling on and off over the past years and quite honestly enjoy writing. Through these practices and given my creative background, I have become quite apt at expressing myself through writing. By sharing these thoughts on here, I could help people who happen to end up on this blog and can relate to these sentiments.

Now, there is one last question left for now: what to expect on here? To be honest, I am not entirely sure. This is also a kind of experiment for me. I want to try different forms of writing: poetic, stream of consciousness, analytical or regular informative writing. I may share things that interest me, thoughts that have been lingering on my mind or share reflections, not unlike this one. Topics that often cross my mind are obviously art, philosophy, psychology, self-improvement, personal finance, and politics. I will try to write something weekly, without any expectations. I will also leave the discussion below the blog open for now to see if that leads to anything fruitful.

That is all for now!